dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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