So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
