I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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