omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize