I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
