if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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