You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
