The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
