NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think my fart just growled at me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
