You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
