I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
