how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
