Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
