Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
