in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
