I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
