I swear god or herbie drove my car home
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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