I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
