My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I look better un-naked...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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