mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
