I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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