Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
