Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
