I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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