I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
