If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He has the fingertips of a God
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