My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
