His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
