her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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