What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
