There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize