so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
