Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
