He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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