My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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