Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
