the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
