Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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