dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
