Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
