We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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