I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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