I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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