I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
