After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
