I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize