remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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