It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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