i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
