Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
