Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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