it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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