He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
