Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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