This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
