remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
